It’s those everyday acts
of love, such as, cooking tea and chatting about their day, that strengthens
the bond we share with our children.
Expressing our love a
little longer than expected reinforces our love.
Next time try hugging
your child a couple of minutes longer than usual
and feel the love transmitted back and forth. That’s
our bonds strengthening and reconnecting us to one another.
Sometimes, stuff happens
in life and we may find ourselves parted from our children, whether through
work, divorce, illness or whatever else.
In those circumstances it’s vital we look for ways to get back together, as soon as possible and reconnect, repairing any bonds.
If not, our children
could look elsewhere for comfort and support and may turn to the wrong people
or past times in our absence.
As parents, we sometimes
worry that we won’t get parenting right. Believing that someone else such as a
partner, grandparent, aunty, foster carer, child-minder, nursery worker or
teacher will do a better job of loving or raising our children the right way.
The truth is, no one
could ever do a better job than you can, at loving your child.
It’s not what happens in
life that’s the problem, it’s how we choose to deal with what happens.
disagreements are part and parcel of parenting, which we can’t eliminate, but
we can learn how to deal with and overcome them.
Offering a reassuring
hug, kiss or smile, is all it takes to repair a chink in the chain of love that
Disagreements will always
occur in loving relationships but if we take action to resolve things as soon
as possible, and are willing and able to work through issues with our children,
we strengthen our bonds.
We can’t just set aside
an hour a day as part of the U URSELF routine, to show our children how much we
love them, then forget to maintain that connection for the other twenty-three
hours of the day.
It’s constant connections
that keep bonds
Work, bills and other daily worries won’t disappear. They will always be there demanding our attention, but without time and energy, those loving bonds could gradually start to dissolve over time. The good news is, bonds are harder to make than they are to break, and fortunately being related instantly bonds us to our children.
My children’s Primary school had the perfect motto and that is; TEAM.
Which stands for – Together Everyone Achieves More. You could really feel the sense of that message resonating with staff and pupils.
When we feel part of a team, we feel like we are all in it together, to help and support one another. This is important to bear in mind, that we are on the same side, when Coaching our children’s behaviour.
Working together makes you both stronger, happier, healthier and more successful.
Parenting is not a battle of us
against our children or vice versa.
Neither should there be any
competition between parents, there’s no good cop, bad cop. It takes both
parents, as well as any other carers who are involved in our children’s life,
to come together and agree on rules and routines.
If not, our children will become
confused, angry or upset, and eventually they will end up playing us off
against each other.
This tactic is the most common cause of parent’s arguing with one another. Therefore, we need to join and stand together as a team. Remaining consistent, firm and fair together.
Making sure that everyone who cares for our children does the same, by sticking to the rules and routines that we expect our children to follow.
This team effort approach ensures, we are all on the same side, working towards the same goals. But what happens when the team breaks down due to divorce or separation?
I have found it common for parents who
have recently split up, to turn to their children for comfort, allowing them to
stay up later or bed share with them, saying that their children are feeling
insecure and need them. In most cases the truth is, the newly single parent
needs the child to need them, as they are feeling rejected or sad. There’s
nothing wrong with needing some love when we are feeling low, as long as we
know what is happening and why?
And we also understand that it’s not our children’s fault when we find happiness again or decide we no longer want them to stay up late or bed share with us, and we try to change that.
Now I’m not picking on single parents
here. I admire them most, (I myself grew up in a one parent family without my
Mum) as they have to do all this parenting routine stuff alone, often with
little or no support. But I couldn’t help but notice that when some parents split
up, a competitive game can ensue between the two.
I have heard that children always suffer when parents use them in their games (really this is a game no one ever really wins) but if anyone, I’ve found children are the only ones who really ever win at this game, as they learn how to play one parent off against the other.
Parents wanting to be the ‘Best Parent’ often give in to their children, and that normally means allowing them to stay up late, eat treats and have gifts for no reason. Routine especially falls by the wayside, when the absent parent, who only has limited time such as weekends to spend with their child, wants to; ‘make the most of their time together’.
The poor parent who spends most of
their time with the child tirelessly providing a routine, then has to suffer
the rest of the time with a tired child who prefers their other parent, as they
do more fun things and give them what they want. If you are at the receiving end of this from
an ex- partner and parent to one of your children, then as a proactive parent
you have to address it. This is a stressful situation as the other parent may use
this against you. You may worry they might deliberately go against your wishes
and flout your routines as a way of getting you back for past hurts.
It’s likely they may try? On the other hand, they may be totally unaware of the problems they are causing and may well apologise and try to help you. They may have only been doing it out of genuine misguided love for your child, and wanting to spend quality time with them?
Or they may have tried to compensate, out of guilt for not being around as much anymore?
In either instance, your child’s health and happiness is what’s most important. If in any doubt suggest they read this blog post or drop them the link, so you are both on the same page.
By creating one team, we also get our children on side too. They won’t enjoy being the only person in a team against many for long. Eventually learning to get along with everyone, and playing by the rules and routines, will become their goal too.
Not everyone is lucky enough to have family and friends living close by and there’s probably more single parents today than married. As we’ve seen in the news recently with Cheryl Tweedy hinting that she would like another child solo, there’s also those choosing to parent alone. But a A strong network of family and the support of friends and other carers, including teachers, will help to build a winning team together. Creating the foundations that will become our children’s greatest support and security in life. Providing a safe base to turn to, where they can rely on consistency, familiarity and comfort.
Our children knowing that, everything we do is for their own sake, not for our own, and knowing we’re are not trying to spoil their fun but help them, is key to getting them on side
This helps them to see that we’re all united, and have rules and routines for good reason, for their happiness, security, health and safety. Rules and routines help us to communicate with our children positively and effectively, whilst they are learning how to connect and communicate with us, and others.
Parenting is the most important job in the world, and
the one thing that we don’t want to get wrong. In fact, the implications of
doing so are far reaching and can impact society.
That’s why we desperately search for that quick fix
solution to solve our children’s behavioural issues. And why parenting books,
classes and TV programmes on managing children’s unruly behaviour, are so
We want answers.
We want solutions.
We want to find that one way to get it right.
TRIAL AND ERROR
Yet, parenting’s something that we can only truly learn
from experience, which includes trial and error.
There’s no precise formula or rule book. Luckily, we make the rules.
Our children despite their behaviour are all unique, and your Child is no different to any other child on the planet.
Their severe mood swings, toddler tantrums and sulky teenage behaviours, are never new to the world of parenting. They are timeless problems that every parent face. Their fluctuating moods start from twelve months of age, that’s when they become emotionally labile and start developing their own sense of identity.
Children have misbehaved this way for centuries, even
before they were freed from the ‘Children should be seen and not heard’ era.
Tempting as it may seem to go back to that time, when
children supposedly respected their elders, this would not be good for our
As a Mum, Childminder and Therapist, I would be more concerned, if a child never displayed any kind of unwanted behaviour. As this would likely be an unhealthy physical or psychological sign something’s wrong. Meaning the child’s supressed and has given up trying to be who they really are.
Unwanted behaviour is not unnatural or uncommon, but
our children are all different.
Each and every child we have is a genuine one off. No
sibling could or should ever be the same, nor should our sisters, cousins, or
friend’s children be either.
Accepting, allowing and embracing our unique children, (with not so unique behaviour) is how we begin to understand them.
Hi, welcome and thanks for joining the Happy Childcare Club!
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton
My name is Emma Grant.
I’m a proud Mum of two beautiful children, Auntie to 9, Godparent to 10 and Registered Childminder to many!
You could say I’m blessed to be surrounded by little people?
For the past 15 years, alongside my husband Paul, I have been privileged to look after many wonderful, unique, children. And work with some amazing parents.
That’s why I’m so passionate about, helping parents and children to consciously connect with one another. Helping them to enjoy their time in the Present Moment together, while appreciating the Gift of Parenthood, we’ve been blessed with.
I’m also a Hypnotherapist, Coach, Nutritional Therapist and keen Writer, with an interest in the Spirituality, Self help, Personal Growth and Development fields.